Aretha Franklin’s 1967 hit song “Respect” topped the charts for many weeks, emphasizing the need for respect in relationships. One line in particular might capture the sense that some farmers have about the need for respect in the family business:
“Ooh, your kisses, sweeter than honey
And guess what? So is my money.”
Impact of no respect
When respect is absent, here’s what can happen:
Mutual contempt. A younger family member dislikes his uncle because of the way he feels he is treated. The uncle doesn’t think he’s respected for his hard work, so he is not compelled to show any respect in return. The situation escalates to the point where they cannot work together, nor can they agree on any decisions.
Unmet expectations. A farm mom struggles to get along with her daughter-in-law because she doesn’t think the younger woman contributes enough during busy seasons. The daughter-in-law senses this disrespect and tends to avoid interacting with her mother-in-law, who then responds with even less respect.
Both situations may arise from a variety of issues, but the most common one is unmet expectations. And those arise from a lack of communication, because no expectations were set and each individual assumed the other knew how they wanted to be treated.
Frankly, younger generations don’t respect or appreciate what the elder generations did to get to where they are now. High debt, low prices, extremely long hours, no vacations, old equipment and rundown facilities were the elder generation’s reality. But the younger generation only knows about this through tired monologues about life in the old days.
Bringing additional people into the family business, regardless of their level of involvement, requires a discussion about expectations. Without established expectations, incorrect assumptions are made. And those assumptions from each generation usually are based on what each person wants for themselves, rather than what is best for everyone involved.
Keep connected
Every family, and every family business, has expectations based on tradition, personal preferences and past results. Failure to communicate these to each person who enters the family business eventually leads to conflict and dysfunction that threatens the long-term viability of all the relationships. Here are examples:
- Two sisters-in-law, who live 100 feet apart in homes separated by a garden and a tree windbreak, haven’t spoken in 15 years.
- One member of a family is so disrespectful to his father and brothers that long-term employees are leaving.
- Two brothers, who fought over which one got the bigger ice cream cone at the state fair 40 years ago, never make a decision without major conflict.
Somewhat extreme, but real situations. All are sad yet preventable if clear expectations for behavior had been set early and all were held accountable to meet them.
Solutions
In many situations, it’s too late to prevent disrespect from developing, but practical steps can be taken by a leader to get all back on track:
- Talk with individuals one at a time and listen to their perspectives.
- Glean the true reasons for their behavior.
- Find areas of common ground to resolve the main point of friction.
- Continue to coach them toward more agreement on how to work together.
- Remind individuals that disrespect won’t earn them respect.
This is not easy, yet the results can be surprising when root causes are revealed and shared.
Gaining even some understanding on issues of major friction can lead to cooperation and, eventually, a growing level of harmony and respect.